If My Life Were a Novel, Starting Tonight…

It was Midnight, and she’d been studiously ignoring the dogs’ pacing for a good 15 minutes, figuring there must be a particularly menacing rodent scurrying in the neighbors’ yard, so when they finally settled down at the foot of the bed with long dog sighs, she felt her own body relax as she took a deep breath and prepared to drift off into sleep. A foul odor forcing its way into her sinus cavity through her cpap pulled her from her incipient slumber. “Uh, oh,” she thought. “That’s too strong to be a mere dog fart…”

or…

She was suspicious after the strong odor of dog diarrhea didn’t dissipate with the final flush of the last wad of toilet paper she’d used to clean up the several gelatinous piles fouling the dining room. (And how, in a room almost exclusively floored in easily cleaned hard woods, did the culprit manage to include the beautiful dining room rug in the carnage, she’ll never understand.) So, after waiting a few minutes to confirm that the smell was indeed NOT fading away, she went to track down the remaining contamination. And that’s why she ended up having to throw a perfectly good pair of socks away after she found the offending colon’s coda (or preface, it’s hard to say for sure what with the spatter pattern having been smeared into illegibility) in the living room while stumbling toward the lamp after the ceiling fixture’s light bulb died the instant she pressed the switch. She’d loved those socks. Someone was going to have to pay.

If your life were to be novelized, starting last night, how would the opening paragraph(s) read? And yes, consider this a meme. I’m looking at you: J, Starrhillgirl, Calliope, HD, and Moss...

Hipiegrl, I didn’t tag you because I know you’re busy today, but if you need a distraction, please consider yourself tagged…