Letting Go the Safety Net

So I love my new job.  It’s fun, it’s fulfilling, and it’s challenging.  And it’s only part time.  We just paid all our bills on our new income level, and it’s tight, but doable. 

Except.  

In February A found out that rent on her place was going up dramatically, but they weren’t planning on making the shit-box any nicer.  You know, fixing all the broken things.  She wanted out, but didn’t have the chunk of cash needed to not only find a new place and put a deposit on it, but also pay all the fees to get re-licensed at a new location.  We had just got our tax return, so we offered to pay several months’ daycare in advance to her so she could have the liquid cash to make the move.  She took us up on our offer, we paid through June, and she moved into a lovely house only a few blocks from our own.  We love the new house and we love the new location.  

So, when I paid our bills this month using our new household income, and we barely made it, that didn’t include daycare.  There’s no way we can pay for daycare without me getting a second job.  Or somehow pulling $500 out of my ass.  

I don’t want to get a second job.  

I’m working 12 hours less than I used to, and I have no idea how we were surviving.  It already feels like a bad dream.  In order to get a second job that would pay $500 a month, I’d be working MORE than I worked before.  And seeing my family less.  Unless I worked out of the home.  The spice tins… they sell when I put effort into marketing them.  But that’s not consistent.  I’d love for that to be mad money.  Or vacation money, you know?  Not crucial-part-of-our-budget money.  

So, when this problem first presented itself to me, I started wishing that I knew someone that I could trade child-care with.  Some other mother that works part time.  I wished for that hard.  And then, because I didn’t know anyone, I let it go and started mulling on the whole second-job thing.

But now…

One of Klove’s classmates who graduated with her has a little girl almost exactly Sassa’s age.  And she was asking if we’d be willing to split daycare at A’s with her.  And in talking with her about it, I realized… THIS is the mother I’ve been asking for.  The one to trade childcare with.  Our daughters get along great.  They live close by.  She’s only working part time.  She’s going to be going back to school in the fall (like me, hopefully).  She’s looking for a permanent solution to the part-time care conundrum.  She’s 6 weeks pregnant, so hopefully we’ll have babies close in age, too (assuming, of course, that we get pregnant again soon) that we can swap care of, too.  It looks like we’ll each take 2 days of care.  I’ll watch the 2 girls two days and she’ll watch them the other two.  And since Sassa got into the preschool we wanted her to get into, they’re going to try and get their girl into it, too, so the two girls will have interactions with other children AND if we each take a pre-school day for one of our care days, we’ll each get a morning off.

Sounds perfect, no?  

So why do I hesitate?  

It’s because having Sassa at A’s place is a giant safety net.  There were so many times the last 2 years that we were so happy to know that Sassa was content and safe,  that she had a place to be during the day.  Days that we were sick and didn’t go to work, but Sassa got to play at A’s.  Like when I had pneumonia.  When Klove had her surgery.  The first work day after the miscarriage.  A is a safety net.  When we’re overwhelmed and need a day off, Sassa still has somewhere to go for fun.  

And what if something happens financially and I DO need to go get a second job, or leave my current job to find a full-time job?  There are rarely openings at A’s place.  Most of her kids start when they’re infants and stay till they’re too old.  If we walk away from A, chances are good we won’t be able to change our mind.  And A loves Sassa.  And Sassa loves A.  And Sassa loves the other kids at A’s that she’s known her whole life.  And I think, “how horrible of us to make a decision that would just rip her away from these friends.”  

But mostly my hesitation is just fear.  It’s removing one of the supports that kept us up the last 2 years.  It feels arrogant to say “we don’t need this anymore” like the universe is going to come down and slap us silly for our impudence.  

And yet, the last couple months, with the notable exception of our baby’s death, every single thing I’ve asked of the universe has come to us.  Even this child care opportunity. So let go, Chicory, let go.